It’s Not Them, It’s You: Take Authentic Responsibility of Your Life and Your Relationships

As a therapist, I’ve witnessed my clients struggle with all sorts of issues (and I’ve heard all kinds of stories!). The most common problem I hear my clients struggle with is stress and anxiety. And the most significant source of stress and anxiety for the women I work with is in their relationships.

The most common things I hear from women are:

• I’m always losing myself in relationships; in the end, I’ve lost my hobbies and friendships because I’ve been focused on my partner and what they like and want.
• I keep attracting the wrong partner; why can’t I find someone who will pour as much love into me as I do into them.
• I feel lonely and incomplete without someone in my life; All of my friends have found someone, and I feel like I might never. 
• I worry something is wrong with me.
• I feel like I’m either not enough or too much for potential partners.

If this sounds like you, I’m here to deliver the cold hard truth: It’s not really about them; it’s about you. Most women spend a lot of time figuring out what’s wrong with the people they date and don’t want to look at themselves. After all, it’s easier to blame someone else. 

The problem is, they are failing to accept and love themselves. If a person does not, first, love themselves and know how they should be loved, it will be that much more challenging to find a healthy and compatible partner. If they choose not to look at themselves first, to know what they truly need in a partner, everyone will be inadequate, and they will be choosing heartbreak. 

For some women, the fear of self-discovery and love holds them back in all areas of their lives- they lack the confidence to apply for the promotion, struggle with friendships, and don’t put themselves out into the world they don’t allow themselves to take up space.

However, most of the women I work with have figured out all of the other areas of their lives, and they can’t figure out why this one area isn’t working. The difference is the other areas don’t require vulnerability. You can be an incredibly successful woman, have amazing friends, be killing it at life, but never really be vulnerable. 

Our society promotes and reinforces masculine energy. Success, drive, growth, leadership all come from a place of supposedly masculine energy. Vulnerability, creativity, beauty come from society-categorized feminine energy. Not that these characteristics have genders, but that we need them both. It’s the yin and yang that amount to a self-fulfilled human. Many people have had to suppress their vulnerability because of culture, trauma, safety, or stigma, and it creates underlying problems for them.

Suppose you are worried your partner perceives you as “needy” or “dramatic,” or you are avoiding presenting yourself however is most authentic. In that case, you will be suffocating a part of yourself. A piece of yourself that is just as worthy as the parts you deem fit for their company. Spending your entire life pretending will only achieve make-belief happiness. You aren’t thriving in balance, you aren’t genuine, and you aren’t attracting the right person to you.

In order to attract the partner of your dreams, you must be aligned with who you are, what you want, what you desire, and you must show up to the world in an authentic way.

Part of that authenticity is self-love. You can’t expect anyone to love you more than you love yourself; you won’t let them. You will push away any love you don’t think you deserve. You’ll walk by the handsome, successful guy who is checking you out (probably without ever noticing) because you don’t believe you are on his level. You’ll date the guys who need “fixing” because you won’t have to be vulnerable and address your insecurities. You’ll attract the guy who will cheat because, deep down, you believe you aren’t enough. You’ll choose the guy who won’t commit because, on some level, you’re not ready either. The types of partners you are attracting are windows into what you need to heal.

We will always look to fulfill the stories we believe about ourselves. You must start with healing your past and rewriting your story. Someone else may have had the pen in the past, but you have it now, and you get to choose what’s next. You’ll just need to be intentional about what you want to write.

Next, we need clarity. Who do you want to be(both on your own and in a relationship)? What makes you happy? 

Think of a time in your life you have been most happy. Maybe you felt proud of who you were. What were you doing? What were your hobbies? How were you taking care of yourself? Go back to that time and brainstorm everything you liked about yourself and that you were doing that contributed to that happiness. Some of those things may have changed for you, and some of them are at your core needs. Those core needs need to be built into your life regardless of who is in it. 

For me, that looks like quality time with friendships and family. When I was sacrificing myself for my relationship, I wasn’t spending time with my friends. I was avoiding them out of exhaustion or even embarrassment of my relationship. But those people are my rock. They help ground me, and they love me regardless of who I choose to be with. They just want me to be happy.

Some other core elements of happiness for me include exercise, alone time, time in nature, creative time, and work. I need each of these things in my life, regardless of my relationship status.

With those core things in place, you can begin to prioritize a relationship with yourself. Learn to date yourself. If you are uncomfortable here, you shouldn’t be dating others. If you don’t like spending time with you, you won’t believe anyone else will.

Once you are clear about what makes you happy, you are confident in who you are, you are loving yourself, and you are showing up authentically, you will be a magnet for the right person. You will glow and radiate love. You will draw people to you because you are unapologetically you. You will also repel people that aren’t a good fit. Confidence and self-love are stunning.

Now get clear about what you want in a relationship. I encourage my clients to create a list of qualities they want in a partner and relationship and then create a vision board around this. Get excited about this relationship: where will you go? What hobbies will you enjoy? What kind of passion will you have? Vision boards are created out of the feelings of excitement we have about the vision; get into it!

Next, you are ready to love with boundaries. Loving someone else shouldn’t mean sacrificing yourself. Learn to balance both, and we do this with boundaries. Sometimes we need to give boundaries to others, and sometimes we need to set them with ourselves. 

If you are someone who moves too fast, set some expectations of how you want the relationship to go. Maybe you only see them two nights a week so that you can fit in your core self-care the other days. Perhaps you need to identify your relationship’s non-negotiables before you start dating so you know when you need to move on. The individual self boundaries will look different for everyone, but everyone needs to remember to give themselves grace.

You will attract the same partner you always have a few more times; it’s just the universe’s way of making sure you’ve learned what you need to. Nothing is wrong with you; we are all still learning how life goes. You may have some relationships that don’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you failed, or you weren’t enough, or that you are too much. Relationships are here to help us grow. Keep noticing the lessons and noticing your progress. If you’re struggling to do this on your own, enlist the help of a friend or coach.

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