7 Tips to Beat Holiday Stress and Overwhelm in 2020

In the past 20 years working in mental health, there is one time of year that is consistently the busiest and most chaotic….the holidays. Holiday stress can be overwhelming and it can ruin your holiday, create anxiety and even strain your relationships. By implementing a few simple tips, you can have a calm, peaceful and even enjoyable holiday this year.

There are a couple of different reasons that the holidays can be so stressful, and understanding the ones that impact you the most can be helpful in deciding how to best manage these stressors.

Expectations

One of the biggest culprits is that we have certain expectations about the people in our lives and the way we want things to go. When people don’t show up for you the way you expect them to, you might find yourself feeling frustrated, disappointed and even sad.

You see it in young kids every year, they’re either overjoyed with their presents because they exceeded their expectations, or they are having a tantrum and trying to ruin everyone’s day because they didn’t get what they wanted. 

Our adult selves aren’t much more mature than this when the holidays roll around. You might not have a tantrum over the toy you didn’t get, but you might find yourself upset that you didn’t get a phone call, a gift, or someone wasn’t as excited as you hoped about their gift.

Let go of how you think the holidays “should” go. Instead set small intentions for what’s most important for you for the holidays and allow it to unfold exactly as it should.

This is true with expectations of yourself too. Don’t set crazy expectations that you’ll cook 3 massive meals for the family, have everything clean all day and also expect you’ll have fun and relax with your family. If your goal is to relax and enjoy, figure out ways to simplify meals or pre-plan them. Set realistic and clear goals for getting things cleaned up, and remember what’s most important to you (the intention you set).

Assumptions

So you burned the figgy pudding and now you’re convinced the whole family is disappointed, their Christmas is ruined, and they all hate you, right? It’s so easy to make assumptions and decide for other people what they are thinking and feeling. 

The truth is, we’re usually wrong. Sometimes we’re wrong about people being mad at us and sometimes we’re wrong about just how upset they actually are. You don’t actually know what anyone is thinking or feeling unless you ask them. 

Even if they are disappointed, you don’t have to make it your problem. Everyone experiences disappointment. You experience it on a regular basis, and you survive it just fine. So will everyone else. Your job isn’t to take on their feelings, it’s to take responsibility for your own. 

Triggers from the past

If you have ghosts from Christmas’ past, they will likely want to stop by for a visit. Holidays are the most triggering time of the year for a lot of people; you are not alone. We all have expectations of how holidays should be and how our families should show up, and for most people that’s just not the case. 

Our senses are our most intense trigger for memories. For some people (adults and kids) everything from christmas lights, decorations, smells, songs and food can be a reminder of a past trauma. Try and be sensitive to what some of these things might be for you or family members. 

Take a look at your triggers from your past and try and plan for them. If there are things you can do to help the holidays be less triggering, plan for that. Increase your self-care and access your support system to help you through it. Know this is a sensitive time for you and have some grace for yourself. 

Transitions

As if 2020 didn’t have enough transitions built into literally every week of the year, this time of year throws them at you non stop. Decorations, schedule changes, parties, travel plans, it can be really hectic. It’s particularly tough on kiddos who don’t transition well. 

What to do next

Set a schedule

You can’t avoid breaking the routine, but keeping to a schedule as much as possible will be helpful for everyone. Keep to sleep and wake schedules as much as possible. Post the plan for the day/ week so everyone knows what to expect. Give transitional warnings for kids who struggle with transitions like letting them know the plan for the day, then 30 min, 10 min, 5 min warnings for upcoming transitions so they’re ready to make the switch. Also, let everyone know about any major changes to the schedule. None of us do well if we don’t know what the expectations are. If major plans change to the schedule, be sure and let everyone know so they can adjust. If your kids think they have an hour to play, but you cut them off in the middle, you can expect a rough transition.

Limit Alcohol

In my experience (personally and professionally) most family conflicts go from a casual disagreement to cage fighting when alcohol is added to the equation. 

Alcohol (and other substances) lower your inhibitions and make it easier to remove that filter that you’ve worked so hard to put in place. It also makes you (and uncle Jerry) more emotional and more sensitive to other’s jabs. 

Do yourself a favor at the holidays and limit your drinking so you can show up as your best self and not need to do a ton of apologizing the next day.

The 5 minute rule

This one is simple. If it’s not going to matter in 5 years, don’t give it more than 5 minutes. So, when Aunt Delilah pinches your cute little cheeks and makes her passive aggressive comment about how you better stay away from the fruit cake this year because you’ve gained more than your allotted quarantwenty, you’re going to take a deep breath and ask yourself if this moment is going to matter to you in 5 years. When you begrudgingly decide it’s not, you’re going allow yourself 5 minutes (set a timer if you need to) to silently slay her with insults in your head, be mad, maybe cry into your glass of eggnog, and then you’re going to pull up your big kid pants and let it go. 

Choose your thoughts

Building off of the 5 minute rule, you need to understand that you have the POWER to choose your thoughts and therefore shift your emotions. It works like this: the thoughts you have trigger certain emotions and all of your emotions are driven by your thoughts.

If you don’t like how you’re feeling, try shifting your thoughts to something more productive. For example if I’m feeling overwhelmed by the mess the kids have made opening their presents Christmas morning, some of the thoughts I’m probably having are something like: “they expect me to clean it up”, “there will be a fight when I ask them to clean it up”, “This will take hours to clean up”. 

Since I don’t want to feel overwhelmed I need to shift my thinking. Maybe I shift to something more positive like, “I’m so grateful they are having fun and enjoying their gifts”. Or maybe I challenge the assumptions I made above and remind myself to live in the moment and assume that my family will help. Either of those options will be more calming and allowing me to be more present. 

Plan ahead

You know the saying, “By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail” this is true for stressful events. If you know you have a lot to do, and you want things to go a certain way, you need to plan ahead.

Get out a piece of paper and take 5 minutes to sit down and think about your upcoming holiday. What are all of your expectations? Which meals will you want to have? Is there a schedule that’s important to you? Do you have expectations for others in your family? Now think about how you can plan and prepare ahead of time. Are there dishes you can make early, simplify or delegate? If having your kids clean up as they open presents is important, can you come up with a system ahead of time to make it easy? 

I love having a yummy, special breakfast for my family christmas morning so I always choose something I can make the day before that just needs to be heated like overnight french toast. I love making christmas cookies with the family on christmas eve, so this year I bought premade cookie dough to make it easier. I have all of my stocking stuffers separated so all I have to do is stuff them in christmas morning. A little bit of pre-planning can make a huge difference in allowing yourself to just enjoy the day. Spend some time now thinking about how you can simplify.

Focus on what you can do

It’s easy to get caught up in all the things we can’t do this year or all the things we are missing out on. Instead of focusing on what you can’t control, shift your focus to what you can. If you can’t see family, but quality time is important to you, then find something you can do like phone calls or facetime. Maybe you play family games over zoom. Find ways to show people you care. If you can’t be physically present or buy them something, maybe send them a card or write them a letter. Shift your focus from what is out of your control towards what is within your control.

Be gentle with yourself

This is probably my most important tip. There is no such thing as perfect and you are no exception. Be realistic, relax and enjoy. The people in your life will have a better holiday if you are present and in a good mood. Your kids won’t remember what toy they got next year, but they will remember the huge fight you got in with them or the parent that stormed out and left. 

Set an intention/goal for the holidays and use it to ground you and bring you back to what is most important. For me this year that is quality time. I’ve missed so much time with different family and friends this year, and I want to be really present with the people I do get to see this year.

So when the figgy pudding resembles a lump of coal this year, learn to laugh it off and let it go. Choose to still have a good day full of connection rather than getting in your head and letting it ruin your mood. Who likes figgy pudding anyway?